I ended a friendship several months ago with someone I had known since high school. We had at one point in our lives called each other the best of friends. But how can supposed best friends, who had known each other for almost 15 years, end a friendship in such an abrupt and callous manner? Perhaps we weren’t all that close to begin with.
The end was near when I had to ask why she hardly called or emailed me. It always seemed like I had to be the one calling and making the effort to go out or to chat. Apparently she had already taken the steps to pull away from the relationship long before I had known there were any serious problems. When I questioned her, I found out I had treated her badly and disrespected her numerous times. She claimed I didn’t listen to her and that I saw her problems as juvenile. She claimed I didn’t give her enough praise for her accomplishments. This grudge that she had with me went back several years prior to this. Not to sound totally clueless, I really was not aware that I had hurt her the way she said I did, by the words I used or the lack thereof. When I asked her to explain, I did try to be open-minded and hear her side out. I tried to understand why she was so hurt. I tried to explain the reasons behind much of what I had said and what my intentions were (if I can even remember). But despite the apologies it still didn’t feel like she can let it go and thoroughly forgive me. Why did she wait so long to say all of this now? Why did she have to bottle all of this in, when it probably could have been resolved or at least efforts to resolve it could’ve been made right then and there. I don’t know, maybe I made it too hard. Maybe there were other issues beyond what was said. Maybe it had something to do with other people.
I’m not a person who finds enjoyment in ripping people apart. I try to be empathetic and I try to be a good friend. I might be sarcastic and like to joke around, but I genuinely do try to treat people the way I’d like to be treated myself, out of respect and kindness. When it’s time to get serious, I get serious. In a way, it seemed whenever I talked about good things that were happening to me, I sometimes felt like she’d get uncomfortable. I sometimes felt like she thinks I am showing off or that I actually think I’m better than her. For most people that know me, they know I am pretty modest. I don’t often toot my own horn. I know people who brag about everything and anything under the sun, but I’m not one of those people. I don’t feel I need to do that to prove my worth. With her, I felt I had to talk about the bad things happening to me in order to have a connection with her. Sure, like any normal person, everyone goes through challenges in their lives. I know that. But it seems I needed to have MORE drama in my life to somehow relate to her more. I’m not saying she has a lot of drama in her life, but I’m saying that in order for us to connect more, I needed to be more of that type of person.
Why am I writing this for people to read? Why am I still hung up on it? I feel the way the friendship was ended left things still unresolved and unfinished. I took the chicken shit way out of it. I essentially emailed her a Dear John-esque letter saying that we were better off no longer speaking to one another. I decided to go ahead with it because it was more difficult to hold on to a friendship with someone who I felt no longer wanted to be friends. I’ve always had that in me, I suppose. When I can sense that a relationship is one-sided, I get out fast and usually without looking back. It would have been nice to get a response back from that email though, but maybe it was just too difficult. The letter (email) was not written angrily or maliciously. It was written out of respect to let her know that it would have been difficult to continue to be friends after all that has happened and I didn’t want to be fake and pretend that things were okay. By this time, we were different people too. Why did we become friends anyway and what were the things that made us look for each other and need each other for comfort and support? Maybe it wasn’t there anymore and we didn’t need each other the same way we did. And we had other people in lives now to fill that void.
The purpose of this blog is partially therapeutic. I would have wanted to get at least one response back or at least have it acknowledged in some way or another. Maybe again we weren’t seeing things the same way and maybe she wanted to begin working on mending this friendship and I just ended it. I don’t know, these are all assumptions. Maybe that’s just it; the flaw in our friendship was lack of communication and assuming the wrong things with the other person.
